So much for posting again soon. Hah. What can I say? Life is crazy.
It's 2012, in case you haven't been previously informed. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened this past year... Lots pain. And lots healing as well, even if I didn't know there had been healing until two days ago.
I had been fairly convinced that it was my "lot" in life to have physical pain. It's always been sort of a given, with my health problems. I never really thought that I'd struggle with emotional pain as much just because I hadn't in the past. Which I guess is a silly thing to assume. But I did assume it, so oh well.
And I was totally wrong.
These past six months have held more emotional pain than I could have ever imagined. The physical was pretty intense too, but almost masked by the deep and constant ache I had in my heart. Sometimes the pain in my soul was so intense that I couldn't breathe.
I've spent the past six months praying and pleading for God to take the pain away.
Silence.
I heard nothing in response to my pleas. I tried to listen. But the things that I experienced seemed so unbelievable and insane and painful to me that it drew my attention away from His voice.
I just couldn't hear Him.
The internal noise in my heart and mind were like sirens.
I couldn't wait to get away. And so, I started a countdown. A countdown until I would be going to Kansas for the Faithwalkers Midwest conference. It is a conference where people from Great Commission Churches all over the Midwest gather together to learn about and worship God. And the theme for the conference this year was "Blessed. the joys of being a Christian."
My life was not going well, and something needed to change. And I prayed that God would speak to me at Faithwalkers. Maybe... Just maybe.
Finally, my countdown hit zero. FINALLY.
Needless to say, Faithwalkers was incredible. For three days from 8:30am to 10:00pm, I got to worship God and learn about Him with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
In the middle of the week, I was still waiting and praying for God to speak to me. Not knowing what to do but listen.
Then, I went to one session that opened my eyes. The speaker was talking about how we make footholds for the devil in our hearts. Those footholds get there when we believe a lie about something. Eve believed a lie when she first sinned in the garden. When I get angry, I am believing the lie that a specific person or situation deserves my anger.
I went through some of the negative emotions I was feeling. I wrote as many as I could down on a sheet of paper:
Anger. Discouragement.
Loneliness. Fear.
Hopelessness. Guilt.
Insignificance. Overwhelmed.
Helplessness. Fatigue.
Trapped. Confusion.
Wow. That is a lot of footholds for the devil in my heart. No freaking wonder I'm feeling so empty and defeated! At first, I was SUPER overwhelmed by that list. But as the speaker continued, he said that the way to get rid of the footholds was to add TRUTH.
Truth. Really? Yeah. Truth. A simple truth added to a lie makes the devil have to come out of the shadows.
At that moment, one simple truth came to mind.
Jesus loves me.
That's something I've been taught since I was born. A seemingly simple truth. But as I began thinking about what that actually meant, amazing things started happening...
Burdens began lifting. Weights that I had been trying to carry (unsuccessfully) on my own started lifting off of my shoulders as I reflected on what those three small words meant.
JESUS loves me.
The God who created the universe cares about me.
Jesus LOVES me.
The God who created the universe has a DEEP affection and longing for my heart.
Jesus loves ME.
Me, the foremost of sinners, has a personal relationship with GOD.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says!
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me!
It doesn't matter if a guy doesn't want me!
I experience the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, the SAVIOR of my soul.
Absolutely all of my needs are met in Jesus.
I still have those feelings sometimes... But, I now know how to fight it. I can fight with the light and truth of Jesus Christ.
I was so refreshed after that. I was so happy and grateful.
But I was still praying and asking God to show me something. Show me what I was supposed to do. I didn't want Faithwalkers to end. I didn't want to go back to the pain and hurt and struggles that awaited me. There was no way I'd be able to do it. Not again.
I felt like Hannah when she was praying so fervently for a son at the temple. She wouldn't stop until the Lord answered her.
That's the way I felt. I couldn't leave without hearing God's voice.
That's when I went to a seminar on God's grace.
BAM. It hit me. I heard Him. His presence and voice in my soul was like fresh air flooding my suffocating heart.
These past six months, I have asked for my present circumstances to be removed. For the pain to go away.
But God said "Not now. I have given you this time of difficulty to rely on My grace! My grace is sufficient!"
These trials are a gift! I have been given a precious opportunity to focus on God and to rely on His grace to get me through it. I have no strength in myself. But His grace is sufficient.
I know now that He has been answering my prayers. I just haven't been listening. He isn't going to take the pain away now. But He is going to give me the grace to get through it and lean on Him in the meantime.
Bring it on.
As my sweet sister reminded me many times last night, I am a daughter of the King. He does hear my cries. He hears my prayers. And He answers. He loves it when I cry out to Him. He loves it when I pour out my heart to Him. That is all that He asks of me. That I give Him my heart completely.
Christ lost everything to get me so that when I lose anything, I can gain Him.
How can I not rely on that love and grace?
Jesus loves me!
Loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill,
That I might from sin be free,
Bled and died upon the tree.
Jesus loves me!
He will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Thou hast bled and died for me;
I will henceforth live for Thee.
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
1.02.2012
10.03.2011
Do you trust Me?
....I have no clue what to write. So much has happened in my life since my last post. An insane amount has happened, actually. But I can't think of anything to write. It's been so long since I've been inspired to write something that people will actually want to read. I have lots of ideas on what to write, but when it comes down to it, all the words that I wanted to say simply disappear. So I decided to start writing, without knowing what to say or what would come out... So now... I will write.
I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.
It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever:
"Dad got the job."
My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....
But it was.
After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.
I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.
And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:
Why?
If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:
Do you trust Me?
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor.
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.
The list went on and on and on....
This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.
The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.
Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.
Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.
God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:
You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?
There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.
Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:
Why?
And I was met with the same response.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God.
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory.
I do give you glory.
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.
Bring it on.
This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.
Have an awesome night, y'all.
Peace.
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.
It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever:
"Dad got the job."
My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....
But it was.
After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.
I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.
And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:
Why?
If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:
Do you trust Me?
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor.
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.
The list went on and on and on....
This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.
The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.
Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.
Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.
God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:
You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?
There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.
Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:
Why?
And I was met with the same response.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God.
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory.
I do give you glory.
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.
Bring it on.
This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.
Have an awesome night, y'all.
Peace.
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
6.28.2010
Crucifixion
My friend wanted me to put this on my blog, soooo.... here it is! It is a video of me singing at my spring recital.... Yeah. Hope you like it!
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