Do you trust Me?

....I have no clue what to write. So much has happened in my life since my last post. An insane amount has happened, actually. But I can't think of anything to write. It's been so long since I've been inspired to write something that people will actually want to read. I have lots of ideas on what to write, but when it comes down to it, all the words that I wanted to say simply disappear. So I decided to start writing, without knowing what to say or what would come out... So now... I will write. 


I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.




It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever: 
"Dad got the job."


My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....


But it was.




After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.


I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.


And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:


Why?


If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:


Do you trust Me?


I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question. 


Do you trust Me? 






Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor. 
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.


The list went on and on and on....


This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.


The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.


Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.


Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.




God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:

You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?


There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.


Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:


Why?


And I was met with the same response.


Do you trust Me?


Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God. 
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory. 
I do give you glory. 
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.


Bring it on.






This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.


Have an awesome night, y'all.


Peace.




^{Lamentations 3:22-23} The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Adversity

I was reading this in my devotions and I thought that I would share it with you all...

Adversity
From Light For My Path for Teens

The Lord will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those seek You.
PSALM 9:9-10

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
James 5:13

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2

For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
2 Corinthians 1:5-7

Cast all of your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30:5

Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.
Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.
Luke 6:21-23

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33


He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
for the Lord has spoken!
Isaiah 25:8



There are so many more verses on adversity, but I had to stop with this last verse. Look at the last line of Isaiah 25:8: The Lord has spoken! Is that not encouraging? He will wipe every tear from our eyes and he will take all pain from the earth. He SPOKE that! How can we doubt that it will happen? I find myself in places of questioning his promises all the time. But 'The LORD has spoken!' The God that spoke our world into existance, who, with His very words, made you and I, who made everything good and beautiful on this earth, SPOKE and said that there will be a day when all evil will be stripped from this world and it will be made anew!

What a good God we serve!

SOLI DEO GLORIA!

Happy 4th of July!

God has been so good to our country. Even when we have turned from Him, he continues to make this country prosperous. And we (I) need to remember, that even in the hard times, even when we have a president that we don't like (okay, really don't like), He is always there and He always will be. God has been faithful to reveal Himself to us. He is a wonderful, all-powerful, awesome, and amazing God.



Here are the Branson pics. It was SOOO hot that the asphalt was melting. We were able to make shoe prints on the ground. We were very grateful for the air conditioned places.

There was a cool blacksmith. He was making a big knife.

A statue of 'The Lion and The Lamb' outside the Sight and Sound Theater


We went and saw 'Noah the Musical' at the Sight and Sound Theater

It was really hard to get a good picture of my Pop. :)

We saw a show in 'Echo Hollow'


Yeah... No comment. :)

Update

Hey!
So Matthew is doing so much better. I saw him on Sunday and I could just tell by the way he was joking around and saying that his brother looked orange that he was feeling better. I think that he went home yesterday, too. God has been so good.

As for me, I'm fine. I go to the Orthopedic tomorrow. The only problem is... I'm sick... again... This time it is in my throat more than my nose, thankfully. But, I pretty much sound like a frog when I talk... So my mom will probably do most of the talking for me at the doctor tomorrow... :)

I've been making our Co-op's yearbook the last couple of days and I am having a lot of fun doing it... Shutterfly is so cool... :)

what He did, He did for me

Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted

Stricken, smitten, and afflicted,
See Him dying on the tree!
'Tis the Christ by man rejected;
Yes, my soul, 'tis He, 'tis He!
'Tis the long-expected prophet,
David's Son, yet David's Lord;
By His Son, God now has spoken
Tis the true and faithful Word.

Tell me, ye who hear him groaning,
Was there ever grief like his?
Friends thro' fear his cause disowning,
Foes insulting his distress;
Many hands were raised to wound him,
None would interpose to save;
But the deepest stroke that pierced him
Was the stroke that Justice gave.

Ye who think of sin but lightly,
Nor suppose the evil great
Here may view its nature rightly,
Here its guilt may estimate.
Mark the sacrifice appointed,
See who bears the awful load;
'tis the Word, the Lord's Anointed,
Son of Man and Son of God.

Here we have a firm foundation,
Here the refuge of the lost;
Christ's the Rock of our salvation,
His the name of which we boast.
Lamb of God, for sinners wounded,
Sacrifice to cancel guilt!
None shall ever be confounded
Who on him their hope have built.
~Fernado Ortega


Numbers 23:19
God is not man, that he should lie,
or a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Has he said, and will he not do it?
Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?



Isaiah 53:3
He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not

1 John 3:1
See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.

Romans 8:38-39
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Bring the Rain

Okay I am totally going to copy Elisabeth, but oh well. Here are the lyrics to one of my most favorite songs. I think that this really ties in with my life and my struggles. I pray that God will use all of my struggles and pain to bring Him glory.
I have the song on my music player, which has already probably started playing it...
So, here is Bring The Rain by MercyMe...

Bring the Rain-

Holy, Holy, Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You, Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me
what’s a little rain
So I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You, Jesus, bring the rain


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty



Isn't that beautiful? I want this to be my life song:
"I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus, bring the rain."

An Amazing Picture

Happy (late) New Year!

Wow, it is already the 4th day in this new year. I found myself writing '08 on my bulletin at church today. So many things have happened this year...

-My Grandpa Glen died; We went to his funeral service in Geneseo, KS
-Lots of little babies were born in our church
-Got my MARA appliance out of my mouth
-Pop had brain surgery
-Volunteered at Overland Park Regional Medical Center
-We went to Lopez Island, WA
-Started raising money for the missions trip to Mexico
-Grandma Lee died; went to Denver, CO for funeral and went to Geneseo, KS for burial
-Found out about a lesion in my knee and bony fragment that is floating around in my joint space
-Got an MRI for the first time
-Started play rehearsals at Greenleaf Music and Arts

These are only a few of the many things that have happened this year. God has been so faithful and kind to me and my family in 2008, and I know that he will be faithful and kind in our lives in 2009, too. So, adios 2008, and welcome to 2009!

Desert Song (Hillsong)

I know I just posted couple minutes ago, but I had to show you this.
This is a really good song, especially if you are going through a difficult time in your life.

I am nothing, He is everything

I would be posting about my trip, but I am at my grandparent's house and I don't have my pictures with me, so, I am going to post something different.
Yesterday, at church, we had communion. I don't even remember what caused me to think about this but I started saying to myself, "I don't deserve this. Why am I excepted into God's family? I am nothing special. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel good enough." Then I heard a voice; a kind loving voice inside my head: "You're not worthy enough. You're not good enough. But I am." I believe that God was speaking to me. In that moment I felt more loved then I ever have before. We are no where near "worthy" or "good enough". But God is. He is enough to cover all of our sins and make our cups over flow. I praise God that we don't have to earn our way into His family. We would never make it. But God, being rich in mercy, saved us from what we really deserve.