Do you trust Me?

....I have no clue what to write. So much has happened in my life since my last post. An insane amount has happened, actually. But I can't think of anything to write. It's been so long since I've been inspired to write something that people will actually want to read. I have lots of ideas on what to write, but when it comes down to it, all the words that I wanted to say simply disappear. So I decided to start writing, without knowing what to say or what would come out... So now... I will write. 


I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.




It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever: 
"Dad got the job."


My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....


But it was.




After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.


I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.


And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:


Why?


If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:


Do you trust Me?


I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question. 


Do you trust Me? 






Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor. 
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.


The list went on and on and on....


This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.


The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.


Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.


Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.




God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:

You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?


There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.


Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:


Why?


And I was met with the same response.


Do you trust Me?


Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God. 
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory. 
I do give you glory. 
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.


Bring it on.






This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.


Have an awesome night, y'all.


Peace.




^{Lamentations 3:22-23} The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

Goodbye!

Okay. We are leaving early tomorrow morning to drive to Texas to visit family and friends. On Sunday, my dad and I are going to drive to Dallas, TX to meet up with a missions team from our church, fly to McAllen, TX, then drive over the border into Mexico. We will be down there for a week building the second story of a small church out of concrete. After that we will drive back over the border, fly to Dallas, say goodbye to our friends, and drive back to my grandparents house. Two days later, we will drive from there to West Palm Beach, Florida!(The drive will take two days!) We will be there for two and a half weeks! Then over the next three days, we will drive home, just three days before the school semester starts at Johnson County Community College for a grand total of five weeks of vacation. So yeah. That is my crazy summer.

I will miss you all so much! I might be able to post pictures while I'm gone because we are bringing my dad's computer... But no promises. =D

So, God bless you all while I'm gone!

Love you, guys!

~Vivian

No more BRACES!!!

YAY! Not the most beautiful picture of me but...

(P.S. The mess in the background is us getting ready to go to Texas, Mexico, and Florida!!!)

YAY!!!!

Today, I am very happy. Today... I got my braces OFF! I don't have any pictures yet, but I will soon. *sigh* It feels so good! My teeth feel really slimy though. :)

Update

Hey!
So Matthew is doing so much better. I saw him on Sunday and I could just tell by the way he was joking around and saying that his brother looked orange that he was feeling better. I think that he went home yesterday, too. God has been so good.

As for me, I'm fine. I go to the Orthopedic tomorrow. The only problem is... I'm sick... again... This time it is in my throat more than my nose, thankfully. But, I pretty much sound like a frog when I talk... So my mom will probably do most of the talking for me at the doctor tomorrow... :)

I've been making our Co-op's yearbook the last couple of days and I am having a lot of fun doing it... Shutterfly is so cool... :)

Pictures

Finally here are the pictures of my leg. I had a better one but my computer wouldn't let me post it...

here is my massive bruise, which has just recently gotten bigger and has spread across my shin...

The top left is the place where they had the scope, the top right is where the first incision was and the bottom left is the second incision they had to make to get to the actual bone fragment. Oh, and the little purple mark is a smiley face that my surgeon drew on me...


I will have the pictures from the actual surgery soon.

Thank You, Thank you!

Hey All!

My surgery went really well. Thank you so much for your prayers and emails and comments. I can't tell you how grateful I am. I still can't believe that God gave me such amazing, wonderful, and encouraging friends to live my life with. My surgery ended up starting at about a quarter till 8. I was actually able to walk into the operating room, which was pretty cool. Most of the time they put you out first and then take you back. Anyways, I woke up at about 10:30. I think it's pretty funny how the second you open your eyes they are asking you questions. I got asked "On a scale of 0 to 10, how much pain are you in?" about five times in the first ten minutes. They even asked me what size shirt I wanted as a souvenir. I ended up getting a large because I wasn't awake enough to tell them what size I was! I got home at about 11:30. I had an ice pack wrapped around my knee for the first two days. I was able to take that off and so now all I have on it is a big Ace bandage. I get to take that off tomorrow. I am very curious to see how my knee looks. I have a HUGE bruise down the side of my calf so I can't imagine how bruised my knee is. The first day I was on intense pain medicine. For the next two days I was only on Advil and Tylenol. Now I am on no pain meds at all. That makes me very happy. God is so good!
Thanks again for your prayers! :)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is the day! I will be going in to surgery in the morning at 7:15. We have to be there at 6, though. And that means that we have to leave the house at 5:30... *ugh* Honestly though, I am looking forward to it. Just the fact that I will not be in pain from this bone fragment makes me very happy. God has given me the peace that passes all understanding. All of you have been so encouraging to me. Thank you so much.

I have had some songs on my mind for a little while that have seemed to be written for me... (The little Grooveshark thing will play the songs.)

Praise You In This Storm- Casting Crowns


I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth



Voice Of Truth- Casting Crowns


Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


I Will Rise- Chris Tomlin


There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "it is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "worthy is the Lamb"

Phantom of the Opera!!!

So, yesterday we went to the Music Hall and saw 'The Phantom of the Opera'!! It was sooo cool. As most of you know, whenever I see or hear someone with an amazing voice, I get very excited. So, as you can imagine, I was very happy. It was very well done. *sigh* I love musicals...



*ahem*
In other news, we are doing some remodeling in our house. My dad is putting in hardwood floors!! Yay!!

This is our living room. (everything echos in there now that the carpet is ripped out)

And here is the dining room (from the perspective of the back door.)

X-Rays

Okay, so my computer doesn't have a virus. Here are some pictures of an X-ray that I got today.
This is the original. If you look, you can see the bone fragment...

Here is a close up of the same picture. I have circled the fragment.


Some of you may not know, but I have JRA, Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, and possibly Lupus. Also, recently a small bone fragment broke off and is now floating around in the joint space behind my left knee. Lately it has been hurting quite a bit.
Today at the doctor, I was telling them about how these past couple of months have been kind of hard because of my knee hurting so bad. So my doctor immediately said, "Well we need to take care of that then." Yep, I am going to be going into surgery. It will be either the 22nd or 24th of this month. It will take a bit for me to recover, but honestly, I am kind of excited about it. It will be nice not to be in constant pain. The doctor who will be doing the surgery is great. She said that she will take pictures during the surgery and give them to me. That will be pretty cool. I might even put them on here...

Finally....

Sooooo.... Today..... I..... did something.... something that made me very happy... I guess that you might want to know what it was.... I got my DRIVERS PERMIT! Yay! I know that some of you already have yours, but having this done is a huge relief. I did the test, only got one wrong (And it was worded weird.)My dad and I drove home and when we got in our neighborhood, Dad got out and let me drive. I drove around the block about five times and I didn't do to bad either. :)

Woot, Woot!

So, finally, after nine years.... We got a new car!!! I am so excited!!! It is a little SUV, or a Buick Rendezvous. Here are some pictures of this type of car. Ours looks just like this one.

Happy (late) New Year!

Wow, it is already the 4th day in this new year. I found myself writing '08 on my bulletin at church today. So many things have happened this year...

-My Grandpa Glen died; We went to his funeral service in Geneseo, KS
-Lots of little babies were born in our church
-Got my MARA appliance out of my mouth
-Pop had brain surgery
-Volunteered at Overland Park Regional Medical Center
-We went to Lopez Island, WA
-Started raising money for the missions trip to Mexico
-Grandma Lee died; went to Denver, CO for funeral and went to Geneseo, KS for burial
-Found out about a lesion in my knee and bony fragment that is floating around in my joint space
-Got an MRI for the first time
-Started play rehearsals at Greenleaf Music and Arts

These are only a few of the many things that have happened this year. God has been so faithful and kind to me and my family in 2008, and I know that he will be faithful and kind in our lives in 2009, too. So, adios 2008, and welcome to 2009!

See you Soon!!!

Hey All!!!
My vacation so far has been wonderful! I will be coming home by plane on Thursday. I just got back from Lopez Island and am now in my Great-Grandma's house. I just felt annoyed having the same post one here for such a long time... *sigh* Okay, that was all... See you Soon!!!!!!

Eternal Life

When your young, life seems long. But you'll soon find out once you're out of school for five, ten, twenty years that life is short and you'll know what the Bible means when it says that life is "a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes." (James 4:14 NIV)We can be thankful that this is not he end of the story. God has promised us eternal life to those who give their earthly lives to him. That is a great trade!

"Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you, for on him the Father, God, has sent his zeal." JOHN 6:27 NASB

"The world is passing away, and also it lusts; but the one who does the will of the Lord will live forever. 1 JOHN 2:17 NASB

"For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made by hands, eternal in the heavens."
2 CORINTHIANS 5:1 NKJV

"Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me has eternal life."
JOHN 6:47 NASB

When you were born, you cried while everyone was happy.
The only question that matters is this:
When you die,
will you be happy when everyone else is crying?
~Tony Campolo

This was my devotion this morning from the book Light My Path For Teens. This will be my last post for a while. I am going on a vacation for seventeen days! I will be going to Seattle, Washington for a few days, then go to one of the islands off of the state. The island we will be on is called Lopez Island. Also if you could be praying for my grandma, she just got in a car accident about twenty minutes ago. It was not her fault, though. She was going to drive through a green light when a man decided to make a left hand turn in front of her. My grandma is okay, but the man was hurt. I don't know how serously he was injured. She had to call a tow truck to come and get her van, so I guess it is pretty beat up. This is Vivian H. signing off for two and a half weeks. BEACH HERE I COME!

Don't get excited, it's nothing but a link

Okay. I would post more pictures but, we just got a new computer and it does not have my camera program loaded up onto it yet. So, I am going to put something else on. I have just made a new blog for our church's KC KIN ministry. To go to that blog click here.
I will try to put my camera program on here so I can show you what has been going on here at our house.