So much for posting again soon. Hah. What can I say? Life is crazy.
It's 2012, in case you haven't been previously informed. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened this past year... Lots pain. And lots healing as well, even if I didn't know there had been healing until two days ago.
I had been fairly convinced that it was my "lot" in life to have physical pain. It's always been sort of a given, with my health problems. I never really thought that I'd struggle with emotional pain as much just because I hadn't in the past. Which I guess is a silly thing to assume. But I did assume it, so oh well.
And I was totally wrong.
These past six months have held more emotional pain than I could have ever imagined. The physical was pretty intense too, but almost masked by the deep and constant ache I had in my heart. Sometimes the pain in my soul was so intense that I couldn't breathe.
I've spent the past six months praying and pleading for God to take the pain away.
Silence.
I heard nothing in response to my pleas. I tried to listen. But the things that I experienced seemed so unbelievable and insane and painful to me that it drew my attention away from His voice.
I just couldn't hear Him.
The internal noise in my heart and mind were like sirens.
I couldn't wait to get away. And so, I started a countdown. A countdown until I would be going to Kansas for the Faithwalkers Midwest conference. It is a conference where people from Great Commission Churches all over the Midwest gather together to learn about and worship God. And the theme for the conference this year was "Blessed. the joys of being a Christian."
My life was not going well, and something needed to change. And I prayed that God would speak to me at Faithwalkers. Maybe... Just maybe.
Finally, my countdown hit zero. FINALLY.
Needless to say, Faithwalkers was incredible. For three days from 8:30am to 10:00pm, I got to worship God and learn about Him with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
In the middle of the week, I was still waiting and praying for God to speak to me. Not knowing what to do but listen.
Then, I went to one session that opened my eyes. The speaker was talking about how we make footholds for the devil in our hearts. Those footholds get there when we believe a lie about something. Eve believed a lie when she first sinned in the garden. When I get angry, I am believing the lie that a specific person or situation deserves my anger.
I went through some of the negative emotions I was feeling. I wrote as many as I could down on a sheet of paper:
Anger. Discouragement.
Loneliness. Fear.
Hopelessness. Guilt.
Insignificance. Overwhelmed.
Helplessness. Fatigue.
Trapped. Confusion.
Wow. That is a lot of footholds for the devil in my heart. No freaking wonder I'm feeling so empty and defeated! At first, I was SUPER overwhelmed by that list. But as the speaker continued, he said that the way to get rid of the footholds was to add TRUTH.
Truth. Really? Yeah. Truth. A simple truth added to a lie makes the devil have to come out of the shadows.
At that moment, one simple truth came to mind.
Jesus loves me.
That's something I've been taught since I was born. A seemingly simple truth. But as I began thinking about what that actually meant, amazing things started happening...
Burdens began lifting. Weights that I had been trying to carry (unsuccessfully) on my own started lifting off of my shoulders as I reflected on what those three small words meant.
JESUS loves me.
The God who created the universe cares about me.
Jesus LOVES me.
The God who created the universe has a DEEP affection and longing for my heart.
Jesus loves ME.
Me, the foremost of sinners, has a personal relationship with GOD.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says!
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me!
It doesn't matter if a guy doesn't want me!
I experience the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, the SAVIOR of my soul.
Absolutely all of my needs are met in Jesus.
I still have those feelings sometimes... But, I now know how to fight it. I can fight with the light and truth of Jesus Christ.
I was so refreshed after that. I was so happy and grateful.
But I was still praying and asking God to show me something. Show me what I was supposed to do. I didn't want Faithwalkers to end. I didn't want to go back to the pain and hurt and struggles that awaited me. There was no way I'd be able to do it. Not again.
I felt like Hannah when she was praying so fervently for a son at the temple. She wouldn't stop until the Lord answered her.
That's the way I felt. I couldn't leave without hearing God's voice.
That's when I went to a seminar on God's grace.
BAM. It hit me. I heard Him. His presence and voice in my soul was like fresh air flooding my suffocating heart.
These past six months, I have asked for my present circumstances to be removed. For the pain to go away.
But God said "Not now. I have given you this time of difficulty to rely on My grace! My grace is sufficient!"
These trials are a gift! I have been given a precious opportunity to focus on God and to rely on His grace to get me through it. I have no strength in myself. But His grace is sufficient.
I know now that He has been answering my prayers. I just haven't been listening. He isn't going to take the pain away now. But He is going to give me the grace to get through it and lean on Him in the meantime.
Bring it on.
As my sweet sister reminded me many times last night, I am a daughter of the King. He does hear my cries. He hears my prayers. And He answers. He loves it when I cry out to Him. He loves it when I pour out my heart to Him. That is all that He asks of me. That I give Him my heart completely.
Christ lost everything to get me so that when I lose anything, I can gain Him.
How can I not rely on that love and grace?
Jesus loves me!
Loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill,
That I might from sin be free,
Bled and died upon the tree.
Jesus loves me!
He will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Thou hast bled and died for me;
I will henceforth live for Thee.
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
1.02.2012
10.03.2011
Do you trust Me?
....I have no clue what to write. So much has happened in my life since my last post. An insane amount has happened, actually. But I can't think of anything to write. It's been so long since I've been inspired to write something that people will actually want to read. I have lots of ideas on what to write, but when it comes down to it, all the words that I wanted to say simply disappear. So I decided to start writing, without knowing what to say or what would come out... So now... I will write.
I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.
It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever:
"Dad got the job."
My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....
But it was.
After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.
I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.
And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:
Why?
If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:
Do you trust Me?
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor.
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.
The list went on and on and on....
This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.
The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.
Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.
Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.
God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:
You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?
There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.
Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:
Why?
And I was met with the same response.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God.
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory.
I do give you glory.
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.
Bring it on.
This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.
Have an awesome night, y'all.
Peace.
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
I suppose I will tell you some things. And then maybe explain some other stuff.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning. That seems like a logical place.
So here it is.
The beginning.
It was January of 2011. I was in the Carmike movie theater in Tyler, Texas, enjoying the brilliant movie Tangled (if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Now. No, seriously, go now and come read this later. My writing isn't nearly as interesting) I was there with my mom, brother, grandma, and my significant other. I was 3 weeks into a serious relationship with a guy that went to my grandma's church in Athens, Texas. I was really happy.
In the middle of the movie, I saw my mom's phone light up, indicating that someone was calling. She quickly left the theater to answer the call. When she finally came back, Mom leaned over to me and said four words that changed my family's life forever:
"Dad got the job."
My family and I were there in Texas visiting my grandparents and my new boyfriend and his family. My dad had been trying to find a job as a hospital chaplain in Kansas City, but having no luck. So when it was decided that we were going to be visiting Texas for two and a half weeks, we thought "Eh, why not? He can look for a job there and see what happens."
Never in a million years did I think that Texas would be my future. But there it was, my future staring me in the face. Leaving family. Leaving friends. Change... I knew that change was good and a part of life. I knew that it meant the beginning of a new season. But I couldn't see the new season. I wouldn't see it. All I could see was my old life, fading from reality into a mere memory.
The movie was a blur. I don't remember walking back out to the car. I just remember this overwhelming ache and sorrow consume my heart and mind. This couldn't be real. This can't be happening. It just can't....
But it was.
After we got back to Kansas, we started the long process of getting ready to move.
Telling people about it was hard... so hard.
Telling myself that it was real... That was even harder.
I had been so confident about my future. I thought I knew what I would do. Where I would be. Who would be in my life. Even who I would be... I thought I had some idea of it all. And in a very short amount of time, everything changed in more ways then I thought possible. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, not growing up with my best friends and not being involved in their lives like I had been. I was SO happy with how my life was going. I mean, of course I had my issues like everyone does, but I seriously was happier than I had ever been. And I'm not just meaning that I was happy with my geographical location (though I was) I was SO happy with my relationships. My friendships were strong and sweet and filled with times where we just hung out and encouraged each other with God's word. Now... all that was gone. Those precious times with my friends, whether it was talking about serious stuff (like life and boys) or fun, lighthearted stuff (like life and boys), were gone.
And before I knew we would move, my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. Even when I was struggling, I had felt encouragement from God's word and joy in His presence. Now... I was in one of the hardest times of my life. And I felt more alone than I ever had. Where are You, God? was a frequent question that ran through my mind. But one question, completely unwelcome, would barge into my mind constantly:
Why?
If life was going so well, if I was in a good spot emotionally, mentally, and spiritually the why would God change it? Why? Boxes were being packed. My room started to disappear little by little. My books, my pictures, my clothes, my life.... all in boxes. Why? I cried out to God daily, pleading for an answer... Every time, I was met with the same answer:
Do you trust Me?
I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I did not trust God. I didn't like it that I was forced to come to that conclusion. But I couldn't be honest with myself and say that I did. It felt like He was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I was unsure. Confused. Angry. Sad. But every time I would ask God for an explanation, I was given the same answer in the form of a question.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes I do. I commit everything into Your hands. I was finally able to say it and really mean it. It took me long enough. By this time, the move was a short 2 weeks away. I was just about to start dress rehearsals for the Greenleaf production I was in, The Pastor.
The last Greenleaf musical I would ever be apart of.
The last first day of dress rehearsals.
The last first day of wearing stage make up.
The last first day of feeling totally exhausted and exhilarated because of the musical.
The last first performance.
The last day to put on the bruise make up.
The last day wearing my costumes.
The last curtain call.
The last after party.
The last case of Greenleaf PDD. (post drama depression)
The last sleep over at my house.
The last cast party.
The last voice recital.
The list went on and on and on....
This was a season of "lasts." And even though I had made a commitment in my heart to trust God with everything, that didn't mean I had to like thinking This is my last... (whatever it was) In fact, I hated it. It hurt so bad.
The night before we moved was the cast party for The Pastor. I am SO glad I got to go. That is a night I will never forget.
There were many tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much. But it was a good night. I would never wish away that night. So many things were said that just fill my heart with joy and hope to this day.
Bittersweet. That's the word I would use to describe that night. And that's exactly what it was.
Bittersweet. I knew that God had some reason for moving us 500 miles away from everything familiar. And as many of my friends graciously and sweetly told me, whatever reason it was, it would be good. God promised me that everything that happens in my life is for my good and for His glory. That was the sweet part of the bittersweet.
But the bitter part... I struggled to believe that the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
I love my grandparents and my friends SO much. And to leave them... ah. That thought put a sick feeling in my stomach. It made my heart heavy and ache.
In fact, it still does.
Watching my precious friends fade into the distance as I drove away... That is a feeling I never want to experience again... and yet I feel it almost every day.
Boxes were in the moving van. The moving van was packed. The car was packed. The time came. And I wasn't ready. No matter how much I tried to be ready for when we drove away, nothing could have prepared me for the horrible ache I felt when we left my grandparents standing in our yard, waving goodbye. I was too confused and conflicted to cry. That sounds funny, I know, but I once we got in the car, I couldn't cry. I guess my mind was too full of everything to let my heart cry. Who knows what I was thinking? I don't know, that's for sure.
God, what are You doing here? I'm so confused... Please, God. I know You're sovereign. I know that You work everything for my good and Your glory. But how can this be good? Please show me something.
This was my prayer. And this was my answer:
You will do great things. Not in your own strength, but with Mine. I will use you in ways not seen yet.
Do you trust Me to do as I have said?
There it was again. God was asking me to trust Him.
At that point, that was all I could do. Trust. He has been faithful to me, always. Even when I sin and rebel against Him, He always draws me back to His side, gently correcting my gaze away from myself and onto His cross. I have no reason not to trust Him. I must lay aside my pride and my plans and give it all to the One who is holding me close.
Today, I asked God a question. The same question I've been asking for a long time:
Why?
And I was met with the same response.
Do you trust Me?
Yes. Yes, God. I do trust you. Do what you will with my life. I know you are good. I know you are sovereign. I know you are faithful. I know you are God.
Whatever You do, I know that it will be for my good and so that I will give You glory.
I do give you glory.
If this heartache is what it takes to make me into who You want me to be, then let it be. If this pain is what it takes to bring You glory, the let it be.
Bring it on.
This has already been a very long post. If you've read it all, I'm honored.
I will continue my story in another post on another day. Because this is just barely scratching the tip of the iceberg of what's been going on. And quite frankly, I don't have the physical or emotional energy to reminisce anymore today.
Have an awesome night, y'all.
Peace.
Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
6.28.2010
Crucifixion
My friend wanted me to put this on my blog, soooo.... here it is! It is a video of me singing at my spring recital.... Yeah. Hope you like it!
6.19.2010
Every Season
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring
3.24.2010
The Wonders Of Jesus- West Coast Revival
Here is a song from the band West Coast Revival. The guys in this band are friends of ours from California and they are really good. They are apart of the church that sent my family out here to plant our church. Three of the guys in the band, Ryan and Jonathan Baird and Zach Boomsma, came to Kansas City to help us by leading worship when we first started the church.
I hope you like it!
If you want to know more about the band or if you would like to buy one of there songs you can go to their website: www.westcoastrevival.com
I hope you like it!
If you want to know more about the band or if you would like to buy one of there songs you can go to their website: www.westcoastrevival.com
3.18.2010
Desperate
Hey All!
Ok. I know it has been, like, FOREVER since I've posted last, but, hey, I've been busy. :)
But here is the music video to my new favorite song, Desperate by Fireflight. Yup.
Ok. I know it has been, like, FOREVER since I've posted last, but, hey, I've been busy. :)
But here is the music video to my new favorite song, Desperate by Fireflight. Yup.
1.06.2010
I guess I need to post something, so I'll post this...
Seeing as it is no longer 2009 I suppose I should post something.... But what? I just got back from Texas. We celebrated my Great-Grandma's 90th birthday. My cousins came too. I took pictures but my aunt has them on her computer. So I can't post them if I don't have them... duh. :)
Well recently some things have been discovered about my health and all that. So, we are in the process of changing some things to possibly help. But it has been hard. This song keeps coming to my mind though. I know I've posted a lot of songs recently, but this is a really special song to me. I think that's because this song really applies to my life right now... actually, my whole life.
If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Sometimes, I just wish that God would take away all of my pain and issues. You know, like "Why, God? Why me? You say You're good, but why all this pain?" But I'm wrong to say that. God is good. He always has been. Even in the midst of physical problems. Even in the midst of everything, He is always good. Everything happens for the good of His people. That means me too. My good. I believe that I'm a different person because of all that has happened to me in these 16 years. So now I say, with an open heart and empty hands:
Thank you. Thank you for this arthritis. Thank you for the surgery. Thank you for the shots and the injections. Thank you for making me have to rely on You. Everything in this world is deteriorating... dying. It has been since the moment that sin entered the world. Including me. But You, You're constant and perfect. Nothing, not even my failures, can mar Your holiness. And yet, you came down to earth, became a man, and died for the sins of the world... My sins. Please use me. Use my struggles to bring You glory. I believe you already have. But, please, continue. If it is Your will, I will go through this valley... But to You be all the glory because I'm never alone. You are always with me. I gave my life to You many years ago, but I continue to give it to You. It is Yours. Use it to bring You glory.
Amen
Sorry, I didn't really mean to dump all of this on here. But I felt that I needed to. Thanks for listening... Or reading... :)
Well recently some things have been discovered about my health and all that. So, we are in the process of changing some things to possibly help. But it has been hard. This song keeps coming to my mind though. I know I've posted a lot of songs recently, but this is a really special song to me. I think that's because this song really applies to my life right now... actually, my whole life.
If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Sometimes, I just wish that God would take away all of my pain and issues. You know, like "Why, God? Why me? You say You're good, but why all this pain?" But I'm wrong to say that. God is good. He always has been. Even in the midst of physical problems. Even in the midst of everything, He is always good. Everything happens for the good of His people. That means me too. My good. I believe that I'm a different person because of all that has happened to me in these 16 years. So now I say, with an open heart and empty hands:
Thank you. Thank you for this arthritis. Thank you for the surgery. Thank you for the shots and the injections. Thank you for making me have to rely on You. Everything in this world is deteriorating... dying. It has been since the moment that sin entered the world. Including me. But You, You're constant and perfect. Nothing, not even my failures, can mar Your holiness. And yet, you came down to earth, became a man, and died for the sins of the world... My sins. Please use me. Use my struggles to bring You glory. I believe you already have. But, please, continue. If it is Your will, I will go through this valley... But to You be all the glory because I'm never alone. You are always with me. I gave my life to You many years ago, but I continue to give it to You. It is Yours. Use it to bring You glory.
Amen
Sorry, I didn't really mean to dump all of this on here. But I felt that I needed to. Thanks for listening... Or reading... :)
12.09.2009
Winter Snow
Speaking of snow, here is a song that my friend, Marisa, told me about. It is beautiful. The video isn't that great, but it has the words with it and it get the message across.
Thanks Marisa!
Winter Snow
Chris Tomlin and Audrey Assad
12.03.2009
Providence Community Church is hosting "John, His Story"
This Sunday night, Providence Community Church is hosting "John, His Story." I am so excited!!! Some drama students from Greenleaf Music and Arts Academy are going to perform this production at our church!!! It's free, so if you live in the area, feel free to come and watch Tommy T., Jimmy T., Elise V., and Savannah H. act out the miracles of Jesus from the viewpoints of those who bore witness to him.
Here's the flyer!
Click Here
Hope to see you there!!!
Here's the flyer!
Click Here
Hope to see you there!!!
Jimmy Needham and paint....
I recently found this artist, Jimmy Needham. I like his voice a lot. It is very unique.
Lost at Sea
Jimmy Needham
How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me
So for now I am clueless to how you do this
And how you move this spirit in me
I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea
How could your favor be the flavor I savor
When the fruits of my labor are so unfavorable
And old pages are setting the stages for something outrageous
A man who can save all our souls
And you know and you know
I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea
Ride the wave, wave goodbye, by the way did I mention today
That I don't know the way home
So could you take me by the hand and lead me to the dryer land
So I can finally breathe again instead of sinking like a stone
And now I will diligently and not religiously but affectionately come
Before the throne of your grace in this place and seek your face
For all eternity and then some
I am New
Jimmy Needham
I cling to the veil to no avail without fail
Reaching for the God if Israel in man's jail
Wailing on my knees and hands to draw the curtain and stand
Thank God for bloody feet and pierced hands
Chorus
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
I hold to the law to stop the fall
To drop the ball to fix it all
Falling on my hands and knees if these walls could talk they'd scream
Release him, O God release me
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
I lay by the grave to save to un-enslave
To make a rich man out of a knave but you saved me
O Jesus you raised me
How could I ever return
To things that you told me would burn
When will I ever learn That I
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
Oh, also, my grandpa sent me this link: click here This website fascinated me... What can I say? I'm easily entertained. :)
Lost at Sea
Jimmy Needham
How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me
So for now I am clueless to how you do this
And how you move this spirit in me
I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea
How could your favor be the flavor I savor
When the fruits of my labor are so unfavorable
And old pages are setting the stages for something outrageous
A man who can save all our souls
And you know and you know
I'm going Your way
Even though I cannot see in front of me
I'm going Your way
Even though I feel lost at sea
Ride the wave, wave goodbye, by the way did I mention today
That I don't know the way home
So could you take me by the hand and lead me to the dryer land
So I can finally breathe again instead of sinking like a stone
And now I will diligently and not religiously but affectionately come
Before the throne of your grace in this place and seek your face
For all eternity and then some
I am New
Jimmy Needham
I cling to the veil to no avail without fail
Reaching for the God if Israel in man's jail
Wailing on my knees and hands to draw the curtain and stand
Thank God for bloody feet and pierced hands
Chorus
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
I hold to the law to stop the fall
To drop the ball to fix it all
Falling on my hands and knees if these walls could talk they'd scream
Release him, O God release me
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
I lay by the grave to save to un-enslave
To make a rich man out of a knave but you saved me
O Jesus you raised me
How could I ever return
To things that you told me would burn
When will I ever learn That I
I am new I am am new
And He says of me is true
I am new
Oh, also, my grandpa sent me this link: click here This website fascinated me... What can I say? I'm easily entertained. :)
11.30.2009
Thanksgiving and Christmas Decorating
Alexandra
Christian
Elisabeth took this one of Josh...
Mr. P.
I don't care what everyone else said. I think that in this picture I look so stupid...
Mr. P., Christian, and Alexandra...
Elisabeth and Alexandra were very reluctant to let me take a picture of them... But aren't they pretty anyway?
*GASP* Mr. Emo-Wanna-be is wearing colors?!?!
Alexandra... I like this picture.... So purty...
The table was so pretty....
Putting together our FAKE Christmas tree. Yes we have a fake tree. But it doesn't shed, so whatever...
This is Raggedy Andy. It has been on our tree for as long as I can remember. It was originally my dad's when he was a kid. (It's gotten thrown away a few times, but it always manages to come back... I wonder how? <-sarcasm)
Most of our Christmas ornaments...
Christian's little shoes...
Meanwhile, Bailey watches....
My ballerina, from when I did ballet back in the day... ugh. that was a LONG time ago.
The finished product...
Christian
Elisabeth took this one of Josh...
Mr. P.
I don't care what everyone else said. I think that in this picture I look so stupid...
Mr. P., Christian, and Alexandra...
Elisabeth and Alexandra were very reluctant to let me take a picture of them... But aren't they pretty anyway?
*GASP* Mr. Emo-Wanna-be is wearing colors?!?!
Alexandra... I like this picture.... So purty...
The table was so pretty....
Putting together our FAKE Christmas tree. Yes we have a fake tree. But it doesn't shed, so whatever...
This is Raggedy Andy. It has been on our tree for as long as I can remember. It was originally my dad's when he was a kid. (It's gotten thrown away a few times, but it always manages to come back... I wonder how? <-sarcasm)
Most of our Christmas ornaments...
Christian's little shoes...
Meanwhile, Bailey watches....
My ballerina, from when I did ballet back in the day... ugh. that was a LONG time ago.
The finished product...
11.25.2009
11.20.2009
Okay... Randomness... In the EXTREME!
I was just trying to figure out what to post when I came across this.... Click Here Apparently, my dad did this. On our church's website! All of you out there who know me... you can see where I get my complete randomness from....
11.17.2009
Finally!
Finally, I can put pictures on here! Here are the pictures from my party. I had such a great time. I am so glad that my friends from Greenleaf and from Church were able to meet. I LOVE IT WHEN MY WORLDS COLLIDE!!
Noah was SOOO cute!!
Playing "Prince Albert".... ahh fun times.
Emily, Elisabeth, and Anna (who I have missed like crazy!).... and Ransom's head...
Me and my Greenleaf buds...
John, Tommy, Jimmy, Me, Trevor, Rebekah, and Cassie. (I know the picture is really fuzzy. The camera was on a weird setting.)
My birthday table! It was so pretty. Thanks, Mimi, Mrs. K., Mariah, and Mom for setting up all of my decorations! (take note of the Germ-X hand sanitizer. Yes, we have bottles of that stuff everywhere!)
Mimi, Me, and Mom...
Me and 'Riah.
My cake... :)
Ben, Emily, Joseph, Emily, Mom, Christian, Josh, Anna, Lauren, Rachel, Pop, Jimmy, and William, watching my dad intently as we play "Prince Albert Lost His Hat".
More Prince Albert!
Alexandra, Mariah, Rachel, Pop,Jimmy, William, Tommy, Cassie, Trevor, John, Rebekah, and my dad's hand....
My Fam!
Rachel and Mariah eating cake...
Josh (Joe), Josh (Katfish), Elisabeth, and Matthew (NOT John...) :)
And we were able to finish the night out with worship. If nothing else happened, that was the one thing I wanted to do. Worship our Savior with the most amazing people in the world (minus those of you who weren't able to come of course). Mr. H. was gracious enough to lead the worship, taking time out of his day off to come. Thanks Mr. H!!!
LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Noah was SOOO cute!!
Playing "Prince Albert".... ahh fun times.
Emily, Elisabeth, and Anna (who I have missed like crazy!).... and Ransom's head...
Me and my Greenleaf buds...
John, Tommy, Jimmy, Me, Trevor, Rebekah, and Cassie. (I know the picture is really fuzzy. The camera was on a weird setting.)
My birthday table! It was so pretty. Thanks, Mimi, Mrs. K., Mariah, and Mom for setting up all of my decorations! (take note of the Germ-X hand sanitizer. Yes, we have bottles of that stuff everywhere!)
Mimi, Me, and Mom...
Me and 'Riah.
My cake... :)
Ben, Emily, Joseph, Emily, Mom, Christian, Josh, Anna, Lauren, Rachel, Pop, Jimmy, and William, watching my dad intently as we play "Prince Albert Lost His Hat".
More Prince Albert!
Alexandra, Mariah, Rachel, Pop,Jimmy, William, Tommy, Cassie, Trevor, John, Rebekah, and my dad's hand....
My Fam!
Rachel and Mariah eating cake...
Josh (Joe), Josh (Katfish), Elisabeth, and Matthew (NOT John...) :)
And we were able to finish the night out with worship. If nothing else happened, that was the one thing I wanted to do. Worship our Savior with the most amazing people in the world (minus those of you who weren't able to come of course). Mr. H. was gracious enough to lead the worship, taking time out of his day off to come. Thanks Mr. H!!!
LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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