His Grace is sufficient

So much for posting again soon. Hah. What can I say? Life is crazy.

It's 2012, in case you haven't been previously informed. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened this past year... Lots pain. And lots healing as well, even if I didn't know there had been healing until two days ago.
I had been fairly convinced that it was my "lot" in life to have physical pain. It's always been sort of a given, with my health problems. I never really thought that I'd struggle with emotional pain as much just because I hadn't in the past. Which I guess is a silly thing to assume. But I did assume it, so oh well.
And I was totally wrong.
These past six months have held more emotional pain than I could have ever imagined. The physical was pretty intense too, but almost masked by the deep and constant ache I had in my heart. Sometimes the pain in my soul was so intense that I couldn't breathe.
I've spent the past six months praying and pleading for God to take the pain away.  
Silence.
I heard nothing in response to my pleas. I tried to listen. But the things that I experienced seemed so unbelievable and insane and painful to me that it drew my attention away from His voice.
I just couldn't hear Him.
The internal noise in my heart and mind were like sirens.

I couldn't wait to get away. And so, I started a countdown. A countdown until I would be going to Kansas for the Faithwalkers Midwest conference. It is a conference where people from Great Commission Churches all over the Midwest gather together to learn about and worship God. And the theme for the conference this year was "Blessed. the joys of being a Christian."
My life was not going well, and something needed to change. And I prayed that God would speak to me at Faithwalkers. Maybe... Just maybe.
 
Finally, my countdown hit zero. FINALLY.

Needless to say, Faithwalkers was incredible. For three days from 8:30am to 10:00pm, I got to worship God and learn about Him with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

In the middle of the week, I was still waiting and praying for God to speak to me. Not knowing what to do but listen.
Then, I went to one session that opened my eyes. The speaker was talking about how we make footholds for the devil in our hearts. Those footholds get there when we believe a lie about something. Eve believed a lie when she first sinned in the garden. When I get angry, I am believing the lie that a specific person or situation deserves my anger.
I went through some of the negative emotions I was feeling. I wrote as many as I could down on a sheet of paper:

Anger.               Discouragement.
Loneliness.        Fear.
Hopelessness.     Guilt.
Insignificance.  Overwhelmed.
Helplessness.    Fatigue.
Trapped.           Confusion.

Wow. That is a lot of footholds for the devil in my heart. No freaking wonder I'm feeling so empty and defeated! At first, I was SUPER overwhelmed by that list. But as the speaker continued, he said that the way to get rid of the footholds was to add TRUTH.

Truth. Really? Yeah. Truth. A simple truth added to a lie makes the devil have to come out of the shadows.
At that moment, one simple truth came to mind.

Jesus loves me.
That's something I've been taught since I was born. A seemingly simple truth. But as I began thinking about what that actually meant, amazing things started happening...
Burdens began lifting. Weights that I had been trying to carry (unsuccessfully) on my own started lifting off of my shoulders as I reflected on what those three small words meant.

JESUS loves me.
The God who created the universe cares about me.
Jesus LOVES me.
The God who created the universe has a DEEP affection and longing for my heart.
Jesus loves ME.
Me, the foremost of sinners, has a personal relationship with GOD.
It doesn't matter what anyone else says!
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me!
It doesn't matter if a guy doesn't want me!
I experience the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, the SAVIOR of my soul.
Absolutely all of my needs are met in Jesus.
I still have those feelings sometimes... But, I now know how to fight it. I can fight with the light and truth of Jesus Christ.

I was so refreshed after that. I was so happy and grateful.
But I was still praying and asking God to show me something. Show me what I was supposed to do. I didn't want Faithwalkers to end. I didn't want to go back to the pain and hurt and struggles that awaited me. There was no way I'd be able to do it. Not again.
I felt like Hannah when she was praying so fervently for a son at the temple. She wouldn't stop until the Lord answered her.
That's the way I felt. I couldn't leave without hearing God's voice.

That's when I went to a seminar on God's grace.
BAM. It hit me. I heard Him. His presence and voice in my soul was like fresh air flooding my suffocating heart.
These past six months, I have asked for my present circumstances to be removed. For the pain to go away.
But God said "Not now. I have given you this time of difficulty to rely on My grace! My grace is sufficient!"
These trials are a gift! I have been given a precious opportunity to focus on God and to rely on His grace to get me through it. I have no strength in myself. But His grace is sufficient.
I know now that He has been answering my prayers. I just haven't been listening. He isn't going to take the pain away now. But He is going to give me the grace to get through it and lean on Him in the meantime.

Bring it on.


As my sweet sister reminded me many times last night, I am a daughter of the King. He does hear my cries. He hears my prayers. And He answers. He loves it when I cry out to Him. He loves it when I pour out my heart to Him. That is all that He asks of me. That I give Him my heart completely.

Christ lost everything to get me so that when I lose anything, I can gain Him.
How can I not rely on that love and grace?




Jesus loves me!
Loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill,
That I might from sin be free,
Bled and died upon the tree.


Jesus loves me!
He will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Thou hast bled and died for me;
I will henceforth live for Thee.



 James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."